Dear Minaa, It's taken me a while to put a name to what I'm going through, but after a lot of googling and scrolling TikTok (I know...but it's helpful?), I'm pretty convinced I'm suffering from intrusive thoughts. I'll get this voice in my mind to be clear, it's my own voice, not a hallucination or delusion-telling me to do things that I would never actually do.
Like, when I'm out to eat, it imagines me knocking over my water glass...just because. Or a more serious and scary example: Recently, the voice hinted that the next time I have a depressive episode, I might get to such a low that I decide to hurt myself. I've struggled with anxiety and depression in the past, but it's never gotten to that point; I've never even considered self-harm. Now, "hearing" these thoughts is freaking me TF out.
They don't seem to be triggered by anything they just pop into my head and I can't get them out. And because they're coming from my own brain, I feel like it must mean something, you know? Every time it happens, I end up in a frantic "What is happening?!" spiral.
Are these actually intrusive thoughts? And if so, why do they feel way more intense than other examples I've read about, like people thinking, What if I threw my phone into a lake right now? Will my inner voice be stuck like this forever?
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Esta historia es de la edición September - October 2023 de Cosmopolitan US.
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